Despite certain economic indicators improving, there's still a great deal of uncertainty over factors such as credit for small business owners, long-term unemployment, etc. On a day-to-day basis, many firms struggle to maintain their corporate culture while staying in the black. That's a responsibility that has never fallen to me--even under the infamous "other duties as required" clause. So, for guidance, I turned to a more experienced management hand, Aurelius Geltthaler, Jr. Mr. Geltthaler is CEO of Global GigaCorp Holdings, Inc.- - - - -
I have to admit, as much as I love the festive look that pink slips give mass layoffs--particularly at this time of year--they
do have certain inevitable repercussions.
Don't get me wrong: I wouldn't
dream of allowing messy human considerations to get in the way of maximizing value for our shareholders. No, my fiduciary duty is to make sure their stock (and mine) does nothing but appreciate between second zero and
second eleven*. That's just the efficiency of the free market, after all.
But the fact remains that so long as the market and tax codes so handsomely reward us for downsizing and offshoring, it comes at cost to we who manage the survivors. Mind you, it's not a question of actual
productivity: Oh, no, no, no and
NO. The survivors survive for a reason. After, oh, say, the eleventh round of "rightsizing," even the remaining sychophants can be expected to provide some value to the company--and not just in helping management avoid decisions that involve risk! Indeed, they must--at a bare minimum--be proficient in gaming metrics, fudging numbers, kicking cans down roads and so forth.
All commendable efforts, to be sure. But captains of industry are not paid to sugar over harsh realities. And one such harsh reality is the polite fiction of corporate image. It no doubt boggles the reader's mind that--Great Recession and high structural unemployment notwithstanding--the (effete) trade press still kow-tows to the notion of
workplace quality. As it boggles mine. Still, metrics--however meaningless--
are metrics.
Not to sound defeatist, mind! Any manager--or, for that matter, lobbyist--worth his Mark Cross notepad can tell you that he who owns the metrics owns the industry. That's true not only for the denizens of corner office suites, but--believe it or not--also for the lowest eschelons of management. For those who exist on the rung directly above ground level, your education begins here.
I realize that you have enough on your mind without the time-wasting nuisance of fostering "culture." Goodness knows my assistants put enough department potlucks, lunch-and-learns, pecha kucha contests and team-building nonsense on my calendar! Believe me, I feel your pain. But that by no means excuses you from not profiting by the experience. And I don't mean "profit" in any intangible, resume-building sense. Not after you discover the concept of the anti-raffle.
Wait. Do I detect a few puzzled looks? You
are familiar with the concept of a raffle, yes? Well, then, this is merely a lottery in reverse. At least on the surface. In this case, for each "culture-building" event, every member of your already-overworked staff is equally eligible to be tapped to lead it. At the outset, anyway.
Now, a mediocre manager would default to the usual suspects--the intern indentured for a recommendation letter, the apparatachik one layoff away from the street, the mother who kisses her children goodnight by phone (even on the weekends). That sort of thing. Those with the true spark of leadership, however, will make some cash under the table by allowing their direct-reports to commute their "donated" time to a simple bribe.
But future CEO material, on the other well-greased hand, will step up to the milking stool and slap all four cups on that cash cow's teats. How? Well, the buy-out doesn't necessarily have to be a permanent condition, you understand. Others who want the time more than they want their disposable income can certainly persuade you to put others back into the pool--and those others might even be able to afford to...shall we say...repay the favor. And so forth. All the way to the Bermudan bank.
I trust I have made my point. While I will concede that other people live in difficult financial times, I by no means consider it an excuse for not turning a profit from any scarcity--however artificially-induced. God bless America.
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* A dissenting--albeit not particularly well-argued--voice on the 11-second "statistic" is found at www.ritholtz.com. As our fictitous Mr. Geltthaler noted above, all depends upon the metrics....
