Danegeld 2.0 *

Earlier this week, I was wickedly amused to read that the makers of the Abercrombie & Fitch line of clothing were offering to pay the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore to refrain from wearing their togs, citing concerns about their brand's image. (Cue Billy Joel: "Where have you been hidin' out lately, honey? You can't dress trashy 'till you spend a lotta money.") I was further amused when one of my classmates from Programmer's School picked up on that, offering to do the same for a substantially reduced price. And then, tonight, a librarian friend was having a Facebook conniption about Kourtney Kardashian's "librarian" get-up, which was also worth an evil laugh.

One of the downsides of the democratization in time-wasting brought to us by the internet is that celebrity can simultaneously more far-flung and more fleeting than ever before. But for the enterprising (but otherwise talent-free) flash-in-the-pan, this opens up all manner of opportunity. The obvious examples:

• Trust fund do-nothings (think Paris Hilton as well as the afore-mentioned Kardashians)
• Washed-up tween-idols (e.g. Britney Spears, The Biebs 5 years hence)
• Serial rehabbers (i.e. Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan)

Any of such otherwise useless members of society can thus fund plastic surgery or maybe a beach house--or at least the next bail--by being bought off by brands afraid of offending their more mainstream retailers. Yep, I can't help but think that Abercrombie & Fitch let the proverbial genie out of the bottle here.

Granted, such tactics won't be 100% successful. Some companies, after all, deliberately court controversy for an "edgy" image. (Look no further than the in-your-face product placements for VirginMobile, PlentyOfFish.com and Polaroid) in Lady Gaga's Telephone (NSFW version)).

But such failure is all part of my cunning plan. See, I figure I can eventually graduate to video blogging. In my "office" cleverly disguised as a spare bedroom...complete with full menagerie of stuffed animals. The current wardrobe--A green men's T-shirt and blue-striped white boxer shorts--will more than suffice. As will the humidity-frizzed hair. And the make-up that hasn't been re-touched since early afternoon.

With such anti-hipster cred. at my fingertips, I should really learn how to use it responsibly. Yeah. Nice image you go goin' there, Apple. It'd be an awful shame if I were to, say, "accidentally" flash your latest product around in front of my webcam... Ohai, Coca-Cola...oh, I'm sorry: Did I leave that can out in plain sight? My bad. Here, let me tuck it back into one of a dozen cases under the spare bed. Yes, that spare bed--the one with the wrinkled Martha Stewart bedspread, and the "Euro-shams" that look like a deflated meringue, what with the way I just wadded the pillows into them and all...

You get the idea:

Step 1: Videoblogging stardom
Step 2: Blatant extortion
Step 3: Profit!

Eh. I can think of worse ways to feather the nest. And at least I'm finally getting some mileage from the un-coolness that I've been building up since grade school...

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* Historical note: Protection rackets go by many names--most notably the Orwellian "War on Terror" in our day and age--but few were ever so successful or wide-ranging as the Danegeld. Wagnerian/Victorian horned-helmet idiocies aside, the Vikings were a remarkable people in many ways, with a presence ranging from Constantinople (where they formed the bodyguard of the Byzantine Emperor) to Eastern Canada (L'Anse Aux Meadows in the province of Newfoundland-Labrador). And they were apparently skilled enough with...errr..."international brand recognition" to be able to extort tribute from points as distant as Saxon/Norman England, Christian Spain and western Russia. And it is in honor of the, um, "business acumen" of my husband's ancestors that this post is titled.