This isn't about computer languages, actually--it's probably more an exercise in channeling the shade of George Carlin (minus the trademark Seven Words). Although, as an aside, for as much delight as the late Mr. Carlin took in playing with the English language, the nerd in me can't help but what he'd done in the idiom of boolean logic, object-orientation, recursion, P-vs-NP and the like.
But that's enough digression. For this blog post, anyhoo.
So. I was at the counter of an establishment which shall remain unnamed, signing up for service. Not quite the slam-bam-why-are-you-still-here kind of transaction, this, tho' transitory enough that being urged to sign up for a membership of sorts seemed odd. Not exactly being exactly famous for my poker face, I must've showed some of the "Are you, like, being paid commission on this or something?" that was going through my head. That's when the lady at the counter said, "It's free, and there's no charge."
Now, granted, I've perchance been spending too much time on telling computers what to do, talking shop with my sibling geeks, perchance even reading too many LOLcaptions. All that, mind you, on top of stalking an age when one's weltanshauung begins to ossify.
But. In my little corner of the Universe, "There's no charge" is merely a three word way of saying "It's free."
But, wait! It gets better.
On the way out of said establishment, I noticed a notice that had been taped over their ATM. It read, "Temporarily Out of Service." Now, I suppose that there exists the very slightest of chances that the individual who posted this notice might have been raised in the former Soviet Union, where the distinction between "Temporarily Out of Service" and "Permanently Borked" would have indeed been useful. But I posit that here in The Free World (TM)* we overwhelmingly tend to rule out the latter option; entirely squandering the nuance.
Yet, on second thought, perhaps both individuals had their respective points.
The definition of "free" (in the financial sense of that word) has been severely warped, for which I entirely blame the private sector. (Remember Columbia House records--a gazillion albums for a penny or some such? The "Juicer" shipped--at no extra cost--with your set of Ginsu knives? The "free prize" inside your box of Sugar-coated Simple Carbohydrates? Yeeeeah. That's what I'm talking about.) In other words, I consider what the lady at the counter said the symptom of a much, much larger disease.
And in terms of service, doesn't it seem to you that our expectations are eternally being massaged. As in, "You have to hold your iPhone this way if you actually want to use it." Or "This website best viewed with ..." Or heavily- (but vaguely-) caveated "unlimited" wireless web access. Again, symptom vs. disease.
Now, I humor myself by imagining that I'm not such an old fogey as to forget that any language mutates, the English language perhaps more than most because it's such a mongrel--and not a paper-trained one at that--to begin with. One reading of Beowulf should nail down that point.
Yet that's not to suggest--much less come right out & say--that it has to be this way, that the perversion of terms antithetical to the interests of the There Will Be Blood-style capitalists is so many omelette-destined eggs. I firmly believe that the rudder of the language should be held in two sets of hands, namely 1.) proles like us, and 2.) people who have been particularly trained in the safe handling of grammar and vocabulary. This expressly disenfranchises The Suits and the Pols. I mean it, too: Join either class, and your linguistic drivers license will be summarily revoked. That's just how it works. Or will work, at any rate. Right after I take over the world via the blogosphere.
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* Restrictions apply. Void where prohibited by the chickenhawk politicians who authorized the (cough!)Patriot(cough!) Act, not to mention the bunraku that is the NSA and the DHS.
